My Humorous Uterus & It’s Eviction

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uterus-eviction

I rarely write any personal posts. I especially don’t share about any surgeries. It may be surprising to so many of our readers that I am 100% different in person than on the blog. I always had this fear of sharing too much info or too much of myself with everyone. I would describe my true self as a very open book, sailor mouth, DIY, couponer, gardener, shopper, baker, vegan, & animal lover. I love hobby lobby, Lowe’s, instagram, and my phone. I find curse words are my sentence enhancers & anything about poop or woman issues is hilarious. I really love to laugh, especially about & to myself .

That kinda breaks you in for what you are about to read. I want to slowly change how I blog. I want to tell you exactly how I am feeling, what is happening, when it happens, and all the true crap that goes with it. Like hemorrhoids are absolutely painful, but the surgery to get rid of them- yes its real- is more painful than living with those butt boogers.

You know what else sucks. Womanhood. Periods. Everything that happens during that time of the month sucks. The cravings, the bloating, the bleeding, the every freaking thing. For me, it was like i killed someone for 2 days of each month. I would stand up and gush everywhere. Just bam. Good morning. Bam again. Oh I have to pee. Stand up. Bam. I gave up after a while. Just said oh look tomorrow I may start my period and I may as well wear depends and stay in bed. The cramps were no better. Just cover your eyes with a cold cloth, eat 400 motrin and sleep for 2 days till it all subsides and you can regain your brain.

My periods started when I was 11. I remember the day- my moms wedding. What a wonderful way to remember. Hey mom, congrats and all but guess who else just became a woman. I remember she would joke about my small chest saying we just needed bandaids, not bras. Thankfully they make larger bandaids now. But my periods didn’t start off too bad. I don’t really remember the curled up fetal position crying till I was about 16. That’s when my body decided it was time I learned about Eve eating the apple and the curse trickling down to us 4 million years later. My periods also weren’t normal. Clots here and there. Periods lasting 3-4 days. Heavy the first 2 days, then a “normal” flow the other 2. But then about 20 it decided to take a vacation from here to there. My calendar of events went from “this week I’m visiting flow” to “maybe this month?”

I ended up with HPV in 2003. It was before it was a more known thing. I had to have mine burnt out and all that good stuff. Yuck is all I can say. I’ll spare at least those details. Between 2006 to 2014 I still had plenty of issues. I ended up not even being able to exercise without having to wear a pad because just the physical movement would make my uterus mad as hell. Just randomly too. Oh, you wanted to do jumping jacks today well guess what, I didn’t want to so heres something to remind you that your insides hate you. Try again tomorrow.

I knew my uterus was tilted and that I had fibroids but really nothing popped out as an issue to me besides the fact that I couldn’t deal with the mega shark attacks down there. I had my tubes tied off, burnt, & hexed in 2007. Then in 2013 I was tested for the BCRA 1 & 2 due to family history. Both came back as negative (praise jesus). So in 2015 I met an amazing group, of what I call, my Vag doctors. These gynecologists rallied together, introduced me to biopsy pain (seriously, I won’t sugar coat that. It was hell. Pure hell.). But, it ended up being worth it to find out that I had 3 tenants inside me. We knew I had the HPV but i evicted that. Then I knew I had fibroids and they really didn’t party hard so I figured, eh, we can live together. The Endometriosis and Adenomyosis though, not so much. The pretty fibroid that was attached to my bladder muscle would need to go too, since I was peeing like I had a bladder of a 90 year old. Every 2 seconds and only a milliliter worth at a time.

The doctors all concluded a full hysterectomy was due. I was already ok with this, as it was something I figured would happen anyways. My mom had one young, and I figured of all the things to pass down to me, it wasn’t the boobs, so I bet it was the humorous uterus.

I was scheduled in quickly. March 20th to be exact. The first day of spring. The first day of my new freedom. I wasn’t scared. I was ready & pumped up. I wanted this pain over with and was kinda excited to see if they found anything else in there. I will say I had googled everything from images of hysterectomies, to forums of questions, things to expect, etc. Worst decision ever. Because none of that was anything I went through. All those people saying stuff hurt, or how I wouldn’t be able to poop for a month, can’t walk after, can’t do this or that. I was scared in a different way. I was worried how I would basically survive after the surgery, not during.

I got all doped up and checked in (not in that order), and was whisked off to have a laparoscopic hysterectomy. I am not a scar person. It doesn’t bother me if I have visible lines or markings. I figure it’s just another battle scar or story. This type of procedure doesn’t leave much though. I went in about 6am, was in the surgery room by I have no idea, and woke up about 1 or 2, who knows. I remember a little pain waking, but they had a binder on my belly and that truly helped along with whatever they were popping down my throat. The honest, worst part was the dryness from the air tube, and no internet.

I could not tell you anything more about that day since I slept most of it, besides I was taken excellent care of. I did have a catheter for that day but the next, I had it out and was walking & peeing myself. I was home the very next day and just took things easy. It was so hard to just sit through. I was up walking around, doing little things here and there. I didn’t drive because that did hurt a little in the belly part. I didn’t sleep through the day. I just really tried to regain a sense of normalcy. After about a week, I felt whole. And at 5 weeks I was ziplining and rock climbing. No, seriously, I did. I never felt better in all my life. I felt like I had a brand new leash on life. By the way, I had my husband and mom to help during the entire 8 weeks off.

I will tell you my sad and painful parts. So the sad part is, just knowing deep inside you will never ever have another baby. It’s that dead end street for you and there is no going back or putting any of those parts back in. You now can become the cat lady because everyone will understand. The painful part is sex with your partner (after 8 weeks!). If you thought your elbows were dry, wait till you hit that love making part. Buy stock in K-Y Lubricant because you will need it. Hey, its just a natural part of this process. Your labito may just disappear and reappear randomly through the months. You’re going to want it when he/she doesn’t and vice versa. It will be an endless game of pin the tail on the donkey, bedroom edition. Gas, your bladder, & sneezing may hurt every now and then the 1st few months after. And the mother of things- your emotions- may need to adjust to the lack of body parts you now to have.

Would I evict my uterus, cervix, & tubes again? HELL YES. I would do it all over again, no problem. It was the best decision I ever made. No more pads (except for slight bladder leakage some days), & no more pain.

For my next post, I’ll introduce you to a hemorrhoidectomy. Look that one up and prepare yourself for that reality.

In the meantime, go grab some weird but true adult coloring books

 

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Comments (2)

  1. I am just glad you arent in pain anymore. I hated hearing you went through all of that, not a fun time at all and it went on for years but you also had some amazing DRs.
    You know I have an iidea what a hemorrhoidectomy is but Googled it….
    Hugs to you .

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