This is the question presented in my aging class – should the elderly in a nursing home be allowed to have sex? I posted it on my regular status on facebook and have received many good comments. However, I am noticing that there is a lot of negative stereotyping going on, and I would like to clarify some things and give facts about the elderly and of nursing homes. Remember, I was once a CNA, and a Social Worker in a nursing home and I learned quite a bit. Also, I have been learning a lot in the class with what I have read in the textbook. So before I begin on my personal opinion of this topic, I do need to share with you some facts about what you may think aging is all about.

FACTS FROM THE TEXTBOOK:

Fact: No definition of an older person has been universally agreed upon. “Old Age” means different things and is assigned on the basis of chronology (age 65, for example), biology (how well one functions), and social standards (the point at which for example, a woman is considered “too old” to wear a bikini on the beach. (Textbook – Hillier and Barrow – “Aging, The Individual, and Society”)

Fact: The textbook (Hillier and Barrow) defines a social problem as a wide spread negative condition that people both create and solve. AGEISM is such a problem. Ageism is the called the 3rd “ism”, following racism and sexism. Ageism is the aversion, hatred, and prejudice toward elders, and the manifestation of these emotions in the form of discrimination.

Fact: Sociogenic Aging is imposed on the elderly by the folklore, prejudices, and stereotypes about age that prevail in our society (Hillier and Barrow)

Fact: Whether positive or negative, stereotpyes are emotional impressions and are not based on objective information, and they catergorize people. Stereotpyes can interfere with our judgement by arousing strong and sometimes negative emotions such as hatred and resentment. Hating or resenting any person or groups of people for any reason, but doing so on the basis of age, is especially ignorant and unfair (Hillier and Barrow)

Fact: Like it or not, the aging population will be increasing, because the baby boomers (people born between 1946-1964) will be reaching the age of 65 between 2010 to 2030. Because of this, the elderly population will grow by an average of 2.8% annually, compared with the annualg rowth of 1.3% during the preceding 20 years (Hobbes and Damon, 1996)

I could go on and on about the textbook and what it says. If you’re interested, you should look it up. It has many pertinent facts and information regarding myths and stereotyping.

FACTS FROM WORKING IN A NURSING HOME:

Not all elderly are decrepid, incapable of thinking for themselves, or are physically unstable. As a couple of posters pointed out, there ARE other reasons that a person may need a nursing home. Sometimes it is just a temporary placement while an individual needs physical therapy after an accident or surgery. Sometimes it’s used for a respite for families who are going out of town on vacation and who need someone to take care of their parent. Sometimes it’s because even though they are still independent, they might need a little extra help in taking care of their personal hygiene or other issues. It’s not all because someone is no longer capable of walking/talking/living. I think it’s a given, that if an individual is not able to think for themselves, are in a wheelchair, and cannot communicate, then sex is not going to be an issue. Of course, there are those rare times when an elderly gentleman is acting as a (*words edited by admin*), and needs to be redirected by staff away from the female population. It shouldn’t be about how many notches he can get in his nursing home bedpost. (I say that in jest).

Sound mind and body – how does a person determine that? A team of medical experts (physician, psychologist, CNA’s, nursing staff, social worker, case management, family members, and the individual in question). They have monthly meetings to assess an individual’s progress or lack of progress and determine a plan for them (such as an IEP for a child with a learning disability)

We (as caregivers) need to remember something very important. Once a person enters the nursing home, depending on their capabilties (mental status, and physical status), we are asking a lot from them. If they are on Medicaid, we ask them to “downsize” their financial status. You’re only allowed to have a certain amount of your own money, in order for Medicaid to pay for your stay. We are asking you to give up your home….and depending on whether you can afford a private room or not, an entire life of furniture and memories are not all going to fit in a room designed for two people. They are going from a household, to one tiny room. That’s asking a lot. We ask them to let us care for their entire life…(when to eat, what to eat, when to bathe, when to go outside, when to have an activity, etc). Although the nursing home where I worked at, did an excellent job in providing choices for their residents, but we are still asking them to decide within boundaries of the nursing home.

If an individual is of sound mind and body, we allow them to have every ammentity that they had while living in their own home. If they smoked, we allow for them to have planned intervals of going outside with a staff member to enjoy a cigarrette (although this has to be approved by the individual’s doctor). If they drank beer or wine, we allow for them to have “happy hour” within the facilitiy so they can enjoy that can of beer or glass of wine. If they enjoyed going out on the town to the bar or wherever with their friends, we allow for their friends/family to pick them up and take them out on the town. If they enjoyed having their own hairdresser, we allow for that particular hairdresser to come into the building (even though we have our own hairdresser) and do that individual’s hair (or perhaps the individual can leave the facilitity to go to the beauty shop). We do not ask that once they come into a nursing home, that their life is over. That is a major stereotype that the elderly themselves have believed in for years, and one of the reasons why they do not want to admit needing a home. Some people believe (as my husband’s grandmother does now) that if they enter a nursing home, they are going to go there to die. That is not always the case. When I worked in the nursing home, we had residents who had lived there for years, and whom were very happy and content. Just because a person might need a nursing home, it certainly does not mean that they are incapable of making decisions for themselves and or that they cannot enjoy a life that they once had.

Here is my opinion:

If we are allowing all of the things I mentioned above, then why wouldn’t we allow for a man and wife to enjoy being together intimately? Yes…certain precautions should be in place. A doctor should assess the couple and see if it’s even medically and physically possible. There should be groundrules set up (such as cleaning up after themselves, or placing a “do not disturb” sign on their door). I’m not saying let EVERYONE have sexual contact because in reality we all know that not everyone is of sound mind and body.

We are asking them to give up a lot…and now you want to put restictions on how a man and wife should behave sexually just because they have gotten older? That is total discrimination.

Intimacy is the need to be close to, to be part of, and to feel familiar with another person. Sexual identity is a complex product of emotional, developmental, and cultural aspects of life – it is part of an individual’s identity and an important characteristic that is carried with us throughout our lives over the life course (Hillier and Barrow)

When we say the word “sex” we get a variety of responses. We get laughs, giggles, red faced people, and immature thoughts. The younger generation sees it as something that is casual…one night stands, or just something to do. I can guarantee you that the elderly population sees sex as “making love” and not doing the nasty. It is a bond that a couple has shared throughout most of their lives, and quite frankly I do not see the point in asking them to stop doing what they’ve been doing, just because it may be uncomfortable for us to handle. Being in a nursing home is not about the caregiver, it’s about the resident. The caregiver may have to be reasonable and assertive in some areas, but certainly a caregiver should not be able to instruct if a couple is “allowed” to have sex. Being incapable of such an activity is another story.

On a personal note (And I’m hoping you’re grown up enough to read this with an open mind), my father was incapable of performing sexual intercourse with my mother for the last 20 years of his life. That is an awfully long time to not be intimate with someone, especially when it’s your body that is failing you, and not your mind. However, they found ways to become intimate with one another and were able to show each other how much they loved one another. It was not about what he could do to (*words edited by admin*), or be proud that he was still a man and could function as such. It was about loving his wife and needing to show her how much he still loved her and being with her in ways that he could.

For the last 4-5 months, my daughter has had some urinary/bladder problems.  At first I thought it was a urinary tract infection because she had all of the signs of a UTI, but without the burning sensation or pain when she urinated.  After she would urinate, she would need to go back to the bathroom within just a few minutes.  Either nothing would happen at all, or she would void just a trickle, but still felt the urge to urinate.  I took her in to see our regular doctor, who tested her for a UTI and a bladder infection.  They both came out negative, so we then did an ultrasound on her kidneys, which turned out normal.  We also tested her for juvenile diabetes, which she does not have.  Our doctor referred us to an urologist, who put her on a pill for overactive bladder syndrome.  He wanted her to be on the medication for a month, and then go back to see him.  During that month, I took her to see a chiropractor twice, and I bought her bigger panties and jeans because we all know that for women, if clothing is tight in the genital area, it sometimes makes us have the urge to go to the bathroom.

I tried everything I could think of, to help my daughter with this problem.  She began needing to wear pads because she leaked during the day, enough to make her panties wet, and that is completely embarassing for a 9 year old girl in the third grade!  After two rounds of seeing the urologist and no real change with the medication, we decided to do an exploratory surgery to see what was causing all of these issues for her.

Today was the surgery, and he found absolutely nothing physically wrong with her.  He told me that she would just grow out of it.  That is the answer I was hoping I would not hear.  Don’t get me wrong, I am elated that there is nothing physically wrong with her, and that she does not need any further surgery!  However, this means that we still have to hunt down what the cause of these issues are, because she is continuing to have  incontinent issues, and she is continuing to need to use the bathroom after she’s already urinated.

Along with telling me he thought she would just grow out of it, the urologist hinted that he thought this may be psychological.   This brought on an array of emotions for myself that I was not really prepared for.  I have spent the remainder of the day, feeling guilty that my own mental disorders of depression and anxiety may have been passed already to my daughter.

This is completely irrational and I know it, but I’m still feeling overly emotional and overly critical of myself.   I know what depression and anxiety feels like, and I would never want anyone to experience those intense emotions, let alone my own daughter.  I have asked her if there is anything bothering her and she tells me that everything is fine.  However, I have been sitting here thinking quite a bit tonight, and I have come up with some possibilities of what may be causing this psychological problem (IF that is what is going on with her).

My daughter is a very sweet young lady, but does wear her heart on her sleeve.  She is just like me in that aspect, but lately I have noticed that she has become a bit more emotional than usual.  She and her 5 year old brother have been arguing like they usually do, but instead of talking it out, she would cry and run up to her room.  She would come downstairs when she was calm enough to do so, but didn’t really want to have a conversation about it.  (Normally, she and I have a very  close relationship and she knows that she can talk to me about anything.  I am usually the one she confides in when things get to be too much for her).  The next day after she had gone to school, I noticed a note she had written and had taped to her door.  In the note, she said she was tired of arguing with her brother, and she felt as if hated her.  It broke my heart!  When I asked her about it when she came home from school, she just shrugged, smiled at me, and then took down the note.  She never mentioned it to her brother or to me again.  This confuses me.

I know that we have had some stress in our lives when we had a roommate live with us for a year, but he has been gone for over a month.  She has been noticeably more relaxed since his departure, but this urinary problem did begin when he was living here.  Sometimes things just become habit forming, even if the situation changes.

Without saying too much, I am also very aware of any side-effects or behaviors related to being sexually abused.  I am NOT saying that anyone abused her, but that is certainly a question that is in my mind.

I am also aware that she is in the beginning stages of puberty, but the urologist did not think the urinary problems were related to that.  However, her moodiness certainly could be!

I have gotten several opinions of what I should do….from leaving her alone, to finding a psychologist, to doing yoga and meditation.  I am listening to all suggestions and I am soaking it all in.  I do NOT want to just leave it alone completely and have the mindset that things will work out eventually if it just ignored.  I do NOT want to wait until my child has extreme behavior/psychological problems before I do anything for her.  I am extremely aware of mental health disorders and I will be more empathetic if my daughter is having those issues.  I do not want to put her on any anxiety medication as young as she is, but I will if I have to, to help her cope and help alleviate any physical problems.  I do not want to have a conversation with her about any possible sexual abuse, but I know that I have to do that as well.

So, I have a few options I am going to look into.  First, I am going to leave things the way they are for the time being.  I want her to know that there is nothing wrong with her physically and that the doctor says she will just grow out of it.  She has been worried that there was something major going on with her body, so now I can tell her that she doesn’t have to worry about that anymore.  I am not going to make a big deal that this could all be a psychological problem just yet.  I want her to relax and enjoy life for the time being…if she can.  If things do not get better, then I plan on taking her to a child psychologist.  In the meantime perhaps she and I can take a yoga class together or something.  That would be fun, and it would teach us both how to relax and use coping skills when things are bothersome.

My head is telling me that everything is going to be ok, and that I should not feel guity for anything.  My heart is telling me something else.  I desperately wanted a concrete answer as to why she is having these medical issues, instead of hearing that she will just grow out of it.  I’m sorry, but the issues she is having are not normal for a 9 year old girl.

Is it anxiety?  If it is, there’s another reason to say, “Like mother, like daughter.”  Not exactly the best news a parent wants to hear, but it is workable.

End of Scenario.

Sound familiar? Johnny has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, also known as ADHD. According to the 1994, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Ed. IV, (DSM-IV) ADHD is a Disruptive Behavior Disorder characterized by the presence of a set of chronic and impairing behavior patterns that display abnormal levels of inattention, hyperactivity, or their combination. Current estimates show that the prevalence of school aged children having ADHD, is 3-5%, and boys seem to be more affected than girls.

Getting Johnny tested thoroughly is extremely important, because ADHD has been often misdiagnosed as other disorders, such as depression, anxiety and learning disabilities. Once the doctors have evaluated and tested Johnny, getting him help is now much easier. Johnny’s parents and his educators must now formulate a plan or IEP (Individualized Education Plan) that will help Johnny feel more successful in school. Educators must follow this plan and help Johnny make positive decisions and help him be an active participant in his education. There are many treatment options that are available now, other than medication. It is widely known that in the beginning of this diagnosis, children were overmedicated and their behaviors were seen as the exact opposite of what they were experiencing before taking medication. They were lethargic and tired, and just didn’t have the energy to do anything. Parents were seeing this and therefore refused to seek treatment, because they did not want their children to be overmedicated. There are a now a variety of treatments that are available for children who have ADHD, other than medication. Some of these treatments include but are not limited to; Behavior modifications, diet, exercise, getting enough sleep, counseling, cognitive therapy, social skills therapy and more (Resources are provided below).

Johnny has a long road ahead of him, as do his teachers and parents but together, they can do it. Now they know that Johnny’s behaviors are not done purposely. He is not meaning to be a distraction and he does not mean to be so impulsive and hyper. He does want to learn and he does want to be a success in school and in his community, and now he has the opportunity to do so. It is the educators job, the parents job, and Johnny’s job to ensure that his education is implemented and that he can feel successful. Johnny is no longer a child who has a disciplinarian problem. He is a child who happens to have a brain disorder, but is capable of learning with help and patience from those around him.

http://www.adhdnews.com/adhd-symptoms.htm

http://smartkidssmartparents.com/adhd/

http://smartkidssmartparents.com/adhd/

http://www.addvance.com/help/parents/child.html

http://www.ncpamd.com/adhd_and_school.htm

http://www.napcse.org/exceptionalchildren/adhd/adhd-definition.php

https://www.msu.edu/course/cep/888/ADHD%20files/DSM-IV.htm

http://www.emedicinehealth.com/adhd_in_adults/article_em.htm

http://www.addresources.org/adhd_articles_adults.php

http://www.ldonline.org/adhdbasics/adults

I was adopted at the age of five, but was given to foster care as an infant.  My biological mother was unmarried, and was 26 years old at the time of my birth.  I know nothing else about her, and I know absolutely nothing of my biological father.  I found out later (through many questions I’ve had from my foster parents and the adoption agency that took care of my case), that she didn’t sign her parental rights immediately following my birth, which is why I was placed in foster care.  I believe she wanted to somehow figure out a way to take care of me, because she would occasionally go to the orphanage to check up on me, but would never say anything to me.  She wouldn’t even know which child was hers when she came for a visit.  She would have to ask the caseworkers which one was me, and apparently she would stand there watching me, but never made an attempt to go any further than that. Once she finally gave up her parental rights, I was adopted in Ohio and my life as I know it, started at that very moment (That is another story that should be written, but it is not the main topic of this post).

I have no animosity toward my biological mother whatsoever.  In fact, if anything, I respect her greatly.  She gave me a gift….a gift of life.  At a time when being pregnant out of wedlock was looked upon as extremely unheard of, she did the best thing she could for herself and for me.  I’m sure it was a devastating experience for her, as giving up a baby would be for anyone.  The only thing that I regret the most, is that I do not have any medical history of either one of my parents.  I would like to know if she has a history of depression (It would make things a lot more clear for me if I had that information).  I would like to know if I should be aware of cancer or any other disease that could be passed down from one family member to the next.

On days such as my birthday or special holidays, I often wonder if she thinks of me.  Does she have those nostalgic moments where she wonders what I have become?  Does she ever wonder if she is a grandmother?  Does she ever wonder if the parents who adopted me were good people?  Has she ever considered trying to find me?  All of these things are questions that will never be answered. Although I was adopted into a good family, there is a certain hole in my life which cannot be filled, and sometimes I feel as if I do not know who I am.

But I digress…

April Fool’s Day has been a tradition since the 1500’s and is marked by doing practical jokes and hoaxes on people to embarrass the gullible.  As a child (before anyone knew that I was adopted), my friends would find out that my birthday was on April 1^st, and immediately go into a tirade of jokes they thought were hilarious. “Ha ha! You were born on April Fool’s Day? Seriously??  You were a joke!! Your momma didn’t really want you!!”  Now you might think this is a cruel thing to say to a youngster, but I knew how to play the game back.  I would look very seriously at them and with the knowledge that the joke would be played on them, I would reply very sadly, “Well you are right. My momma didn’t really want me, because I am adopted.”  Drop dead silence. I laugh, because being adopted is not something which is difficult for me to discuss. I laugh because it is not something I am ashamed of.  Many of these friends felt horrible for trying to make me the butt of their jokes, but I sat them down and explained the situation to them so they could understand it.  To be well informed, is to have power and knowledge.  They could understand the truth, because it came from a very reliable source.

Kids can be cruel, however, and there were others who were not as understanding as the ones who were asking questions. I think it’s easy to be cruel or hurtful when you do not understand something, and as kids we don’t understand that words really do hurt. It’s not until we are older, that we realize that the old saying of “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is totally false.  Words do hurt, and sometimes they stick with you forever.

To the ones who tried to break me down, I was still smarter than they were and was still not ashamed.  You see, I was adopted which meant that I was chosen. How many of those kids could actually say that?  Their parents had to accept what they were given.  My parents chose me to become part of their family and no matter how hard those kids tried, they could not compete with that fact.

I was born on April Fool’s Day and I was adopted.  I wasn’t a joke…I was chosen.  And THAT my friends, is the best gift of all.

Being a woman in today’s world can sometimes be difficult.  In the beginning of time, the woman has been the soul caregiver and nurturer for our children and for our husbands.  The man was seen as the hunter/gatherer and as the protector of the family.  While he took care of the family financially, the women took care of the household chores, and had the responsibility of rearing the children.  A woman’s job has never been easy, but it was accepted as the norm until the Women’s Movement in the 1900’s.  When being “barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen” wasn’t enough anymore, we fought for women’s rights and after 100 years, we finally won.  Along with being a wife, mother and housewife, we are now employed women, registered voters, educators and professionals, volunteers, and advocates for others.

We have created a stressful environment for ourselves because of the advances which we wanted.  We now run around like chickens with our heads cut off, trying to juggle the work environment with our home environment.  We come home and we are tired, but we smile and continue to trudge on because supper has to be made, dishes have to be done, the kids need to do their homework and take their baths, and be in bed by a certain time before the little angels turn into grumpy monsters.  We run interference when they are arguing and we tend to their hearts when they are broken.  Our job as mother and caretaker never ends and we enjoy every single minute of it.

So why are we so frustrated at the end of the day, and just want to be left alone? Maybe it’s because we have taken on too much and we don’t know how to delegate.  Maybe it’s because we feel as if we have let ourselves go and we don’t feel attractive anymore.  Maybe it’s because we are these emotional beings who need to have some sort of outlet for our frustrations.  We have this knack for needing to talk about anything and everything.  We cry at the drop of a hat, and we can sometimes make mountains out of molehills.  We drive our husbands crazy because what doesn’t affect him at all, makes us angry that he just doesn’t get it.  We wanted these responsibilities though, so why are we complaining?

We complain because at some point, we needs to de-stress and have some time to ourselves. A time where there is no noise and no chaos.  A time when our husbands take over and lets us reflect the day and go to the bathroom without the kids invading our privacy.  A relaxing bath would be amazing if it actually happened.  But somehow, in some fashion, the kids have honed in on the fact that the we are in the bathroom or on the phone (we aren’t doing anything of importance. We are not making dinner or we aren’t doing the dishes, so apparently it’s ok to bug us during this time) and the chaos starts all over again. We are aggravated, because the man is sitting in his recliner asleep and oblivious to the catastrophe which is about to happen when little Johnny bites Suzy and then denies ever doing it.  Our husbands gets irritated because now his nap has been disturbed and he has to take care of the children who are quickly turning into mutants because no one is giving them the attention that they need or want. Once again, we are the ones who take over and calm things down.  We are the ones who comfort Suzy and discuss with little Johnny his inappropriate behaviors, and we are the ones who finally get them calm enough to go to bed.

What is left?  By the time the chaos has ceased and it is quiet in the house, we are entirely too drained to do anything else.  We just want to crawl in bed and get a good night’s sleep because we know that tomorrow will be exactly the same thing. Oh, tomorrow we have to make phone calls because for some ungodly reason, we’ve accepted a volunteer position at the school and are now coordinator of a sporting event.  Good Grief.

As I turn to my husband and kiss him goodnight, he gives me this lingering kiss and looks at me with a smirk on his face.  His way of showing support and showing how much he loves me, is to be intimate as a man and wife should be.  He has trouble communicating in words how he feels, so he believes that this is the best way to prove to me how much he loves me.  I should be honored and happy that this is what he wants to do.  I should feel loved and cherished and show him how much I love and adore him as well.  I can only groan and stare at him with disbelief.  Go to sleep dear man.  Tomorrow is another day.

1.  What are the favorite things you like to do with your kids?

2.  What do you do for “me” time away from your family?  Is that even possible for you?

3.  Who takes care of the discipline in your house?  Is it you?  Your significant other?  Do you argue about the differences in your opinions with each other?

4.  Do you manage to get in exercise into your daily schedule?  For how long?

5.  How do you feel about the technology these days used by children?  (Computers/laptops, cell phones, ipods, TVs in their rooms, etc.)

My Answers:

1.  What are the favorite things you like to do with your kids? – This winter has been long and hard and there hasn’t been much to do here since we live in the country and have been snowed in a lot.  When that has happened, we have family fun nights, where we choose one night a week and together we pick out a movie that we all enjoy and eat popcorn together.  Or we will play board games that the kids like to play.  When the weather gets warmer, we will be going for family bike rides through the country.  Both of our kids love to do that!  And when summer is officially here, we will make a trip to the zoo and to Adventureland.  Dylan (who is 5) is now big enough to ride some of the rides with us.  I also enjoy reading to my kids at bedtime.  Dylan especially likes to pick 2 books a night and we cuddle up in his bed while I read to him.  He’s also my “cuddlebug” and after we read the books, we cuddle in his bed with my arm wrapped around him until he falls asleep.  I know that’s not necessarily the politically correct thing to do to get your children to go to sleep, but it’s something that he and I enjoy.  My 9 year old daughter likes to do that with me on the weekends when she doesn’t have to get up early in the mornings. 

2.  What do you do for “me” time away from your family?  Is that even possible for you? – We all know this is kind of hard to do, especially being a woman and having all the self created responsibilities that we do everyday!  My husband works at night, so after he has gone to work and the kids are in bed, I spend the time writing in my blogs or reading.  This is the most quiet time of the day, where the television is off, the radio is off, and I don’t have screaming kids running around the house.  LOL.  Occassionally, I will hang out with girlfriends by going to the movies or going to the Karoke bar, but that doesn’t happen very often.  I’m really a homebody and enjoy my time alone.

3.  Who takes care of the discipline in your house?  Is it you?  Your significant other?  Do you argue about the differences in your opinions with each other? – Usually my husband and I do this together and we have agreed ahead of time what the consequence will be to whatever “crime” our kids have committed.  We both sit and talk to our kids about what they might have done wrong, and how they could have handled it better the next time.   I learned from my parents however, that if one parent is really angry, then the other parent needs to back off.  It’s not fair to the child to get double jeopardy from both parents.  It worked really well for me growing up, and it has been working in our household so far.  We never argue in front of the kids about anything.  If we have a difference of opinion, we will separate ourselves to a different room and discuss it.  The kids don’t need to hear our arguement, especially when it would be so easy for them to triangulate us (manipulate us separately, and try to get us to take different sides).  If that happens, then the parents have lost all control.

4.  Do you manage to get in exercise into your daily schedule?  For how long? – This is something that I really have to work on for myself.  The kids get plenty of exercise.  They are always jumping on the trampoline, running around, standing on their heads and doing handstands, riding bikes and they get exercise at school.  Ali will be starting soccer this Spring, so that’s another thing that she will be doing.  I am a completely different story, however.  I hate sweating, and I don’t like having to get out and do something which makes me hot.  I am totally out of shape, so it’s not exactly fun to do.  I do realize though, that after I have exercised, I feel much better and I have much more energy!  It’s the getting me to START which is the problem.  Once it warms up (that’s my excuse for everything these days.  LOL) I will be walking 3 miles everyday.  Living in the country, we have gravel roads which go for miles and miles.  If I’m motivated, I will be doing that.  Have any other suggestions for someone who hates to exercise, but needs to? 

5.  How do you feel about the technology these days used by children?  (Computers/laptops, cell phones, ipods, TVs in their rooms, etc.) – This is something I really have a problem with in today’s world.  I think it’s ridiculous for smaller children to have cell phones or their own gadgets which cost the parents a lot of money.  My 9 year old daughter is bugging me to get her a cell phone, but I absolutely refuse until she’s in at least high school.  If she needs to call me from school now, she can use the school phone.  If she’s at a friend’s house, then she can use their home phone.  There’s no reason to be spending money on a cell phone for a 9 year old!  (This is just my opinion.  If you disagree, that’s perfectly fine).   My daughter is allowed to use my laptop right now, but that’s because the only thing she is interested in playing with, is the “Little Pet Shop” online.  Once she gets older however, I will be supervising everything she does online.  Dylan isn’t interested in anything but watching his sister play the “Little Pet Shop” right now, so that’s all good.  As for TVs, we have 3 of them.  One in the family room, one in the toyroom and one in my bedroom.  The kids think they need their own TV in their rooms, but I would much rather have them play outside or read a book!

I would love to hear your answers!  I love sharing different ideas with other people. 

Have a great day!

*** DISCLAIMER: Please be aware that the emotions here are gut wrenchingly honest and truthful from my own perspective. Others who have depression may not experience what I have been through, so I want people reading this to understand that this is my story, and my story only. Also, anyone who knows me personally, may not have the same memories or views as I am discussing now. I’m hoping anyone who reads this, will have an open mind. Thank you. ***

I am happily married and I have two beautiful children. I have a Special Education Degree, and I have applied to Graduate School to get my Master’s in Social Work. I am a compassionate woman and I have worked in the human services field for years, helping others to achieve their potential and make better choices for themselves. I have taught anger management, coping skills and decision making skills to adolescents at risk. I have been a social worker in nursing home, and have worked on the psychiatric unit at a local hospital. I am an advocate for mental health awareness and I work hard to try and erase the stigma some people believe mental health disorders are.

I am a wife, mother, and a friend who happens to have a mental illness. It’s not who I am, but what I have. People tend to forget that an individual who has depression or any other disorder is actually a person underneath the chaos and despair. On my worst days, it feels as if the depression consumes me and takes over my entire body. I am filled with negative thoughts and pessimistic views. I am irritable, impulsive, anxious, and sometimes I am sarcastic even to those I love,. I can even become narcissistic and wonder why people don’t see me as this wonderful person and become aggravated when they want nothing to do with me. I once went as far as telling one of my very best friends to shut up because her voice was bothering me (I feel utterly horrible about that, but luckily she is a wonderful friend who is aware of my depression and is extremely supportive and understanding). Voices, loud noises, and constant talking are subjected to my frustration and although it’s no one’s fault by my own, I go into a zone where the aggravation completely takes over and sometimes I get migraines which don’t help the situation at all.

I can hear myself when I’m angry and depressed, and I can hear the words, tone, and pitch of what I’m saying and on a subconscious level, I cringe at what I’m doing. I know that I’m wrong and I know that I’m being hurtful, but at the same time, I cannot stop. It’s like having an out of body experience where you are floating above and watching every movement and hearing every word, but are powerless to stop. It’s the worst feeling in the world, when you know that you are being unreasonable and could be hurting someone’s feelings. That is why I have learned to keep my mouth shut until I can calm down and have an adult conversation with someone. However, even that can get me into trouble because I am seen as being disrespectful and defiant and as someone who doesn’t seem to have the patience to deal with a situation tactfully.

((Good grief, this is hard to write!!))

I believe that my having depression is partly responsible for the failure of my first marriage. My emotions were everywhere, and I was not easy to live with. Once he left me, I finally realized that something was terribly wrong and I needed to do something about it. I could no longer deny that I had a problem, especially since it was affecting my relationships and my work ethic. I began therapy and was put on antidepressants. Within a few weeks, I could tell a world of difference in my attitude, and was ready for a change. I felt as if staying where I was (in Texas) after a divorce was just not conducive to my recovery, so I decided to move out of the comfort zone and started completely over in Iowa.

(That story can be found Here ).

Once I realized that I needed help, I struggled with having to rely on antidepressants to make me feel better. I didn’t want to rely on them and I didn’t want people to view me differently for not being able to handle my emotions on my own. Once I got past those feelings, my road to recovery could start. Antidepressants aren’t for everyone, but I know that I need them in order to survive. I’ve tried getting off of them, but every time I’ve tried, my depressive symptoms seems to worsen and it takes longer for me to get back on track.

My recovery is a continual process. There are days when I’m doing very well, and other days when I feel like I’ve taken two step backwards again and it can be very frustrating. It doesn’t last long, though. I’ve learned that if I am having a bad day, then I need to use a coping skill, such as blogging or guided imagery, or taking deep breaths. I’ve learned to communicate with my family, who are absolutely amazing in their unconditional love and I am very grateful for their ongoing support. I am learning that sometimes I need to step back from trying to help the world, and focus on myself and my own healing. I am trying not to be so impulsive and freak out when things are not going my way.

Right now, I am in the process of writing my life story on another Blog, entitled, “Living with Depression.” It is detailed from when I was a child, through my adolescence, adulthood and to the present day. This is a very therapeutic exercise for me, and although there are some people who may not agree with the specifics which I will be writing about, it is something I need to do for myself. I hope that one day, it might be good enough to turn into a book.

To access the story of my life, please go to Living With Depression

I hope these stories will help others to understand that those of us who have depression or any other mental illness, are individuals first. It’s not who we are, but what we have.

Thank you.

Everyday is a new moment. Everyday I learn something new, and everyday I smile at what my husband and I created together out of love. Being a parent is the most amazing feeling in the world. My children make me laugh. I watch them play and fight and some days I’d like to throttle them, but mostly I just want to pick them up and hold them all day. My job is to protect them, encourage them, and to teach them. I am their role model and no matter what I do (good or bad) they are like little sponges absorbing every little detail. They have faith and trust in me, and they know that nothing they could ever do, would make me stop loving them. It’s a huge responsibility, but one I cherish every waking moment of the day.

I share this with you, because I know that parenting today, isn’t the same as it used to be and I’m wondering why. When I was five years old, I remember that I was able to walk to school with friends, which was several miles away, and no one blinked an eye about it. If I came home and my mother was not there, I had a key to let myself in (this is where the term “latch key” comes to play). I did have rules however, while being home alone. I was never to answer the door, and I was never to tell anyone on the phone that my parents were away. My rehearsed response was always, “I’m sorry, mom is busy right now, may I take a message?” I played in the street, never having to worry about people driving too fast, or hearing gunshots two streets over.

We live in a time now, when we would not allow our children to play on the street, walk to school at a young age, and we certainly wouldn’t leave them home alone for any length of time. We are constantly warning our children of the dangers lurking out there, and we are teaching our kids not to trust just anyone. The schools are teaching children them early about bad touch versus good touch, and how to respond to strangers.

When did parenting get to be so scary? Along with all of the good and rewarding feelings we get on a daily basis, it’s also a very frightening thing to be a good parent in today’s world. I watch the news at night with teary eyes about neglected, abused, and abandoned children and all I want to do is hold my children tightly to my chest and never let them go. Why don’t all parents feel this way? When did being a parent become a burden to some, and why?

So many other things have changed as well. Back in the day, my parents spanked me whenever I was naughty, and I’m sure it was justly deserved. Spank a child today however, and you can be sure to get Child Protective Services at your door in a heartbeat, whether it’s founded or not. I hear adults say that “Johnny” deserves to get his rear-end beat (I used a better term here, but you know what I mean) so he can learn respect, and I have to think about the fact that all my father had to do was look at me in that way, and I would straighten up. I didn’t want to get into trouble but it wasn’t because I was scared of getting my rear-end beat. It was because of my fear of losing my father’s trust or respect. I hated to disappoint him in any shape or form. Some kids today, do not have that same amount of respect and admiration for their parents, and they are the ones who end up on the street or getting into trouble with the law.

I wished we lived back in a world where parents and their children loved and trusted one another, and in a world where we didn’t have to worry where our children were every second of the day for fear of them getting kidnapped.

Being a good parent means wanting the very best for our children. It means teaching them right from wrong, and guiding them to make the right choices for themselves. It means not only being a disciplinarian, but a teacher and a mentor. It means nurturing their whole being, and hoping that our lessons have taught them to be productive and positive in this changing world. It also means being able to let go…and trusting our children to make their own decisions, even when we want to tell them what to do and how to do it. In order for them to trust us, we must also trust them. At the same time, it also means that if our children are headed down a pathway of destruction, it is our job to reel them back in. It is our job to find out what is going on, and offer solutions and help. It is our job to put our foot down and give them tough love when needed. They may not like it, but as they grow older and look back at our constant interference, they will realize that we did it for them our of love. Trust me. It worked for me, and I was a horrible teenager (story to be written later).

Being a parent is hard, but it is also the best job I have ever had in my entire life. Even though there are constant challenges in my life, I wouldn’t want to resign from this job ever. I don’t understand how some parents give up so easily. Our children are worth fighting for. They are worth the sacrifices and the risks. They are worth the unconditional love that we give them and the love we get in return.

Isn’t that the best gift of all?

This is Nick Halliday’s story.

Nick Halliday was a 41 year old man living in the Port St. Lucie, Florida area with his wife and two children (ages 6 and 9), who suffered from Lupus and alcoholism. He was taking a medication for Lupus, called plaquenil, which can sometimes have serious side-effects of hallucinations. Due to the pain he was in because of the symptoms of lupus, Nick began to drink which did not help with the hallucinations he was already experiencing.

Nick knew he could not live this way, and decided to get help, and went to a local hospital in Port St. Lucie, Florida, where he was turned away because Nick was not in any danger to himself or others during the time of the hospital visit, plus there were no beds available for him. Nick went home to try and detox himself, and on January 12th when the hallucinations and pain got to be too much, he left his home in the middle of the night wearing only boxers and a gray sweatshirt. Nick did not have any identification on him, no money, no car keys, and no cell phone.

When Nick’s wife, Teresa got up to find him missing, she called the police. They did an interview with her and they looked for him, but in Teresa’s eyes, they weren’t doing enough. The search might have been a continuous process, but it was not being broadcasted on the air as Teresa would have liked. Teresa took it into her own hands, and formed a facebook page, titled “Find Nick Halliday” and posted his picture and his statistics for people to help find him. I helped her in this endeavor and formed a Twitter page titled the same thing. For two months, Teresa searched for Nick with pleas to media sources, famous people, missing persons agencies, and the local police. One week before Nick was found, Teresa had a second interview with the local tv station, WPTV Channel 5 – pleading her case once more to help find her husband and the father of their two children.

On Sunday, March 14th, a couple who was walking their dog came across Nick’s body in a drainage ditch just about a mile from Nick’s home. The police do not suspect foul play, but toxicology reports were not complete at the time of this article.

I am heartbroken and angered by this at the same time. I am saddened by the loss of a great man, father and husband, yet at the same time I am relieved that at least Teresa and her family know where he is and can give him a proper burial. I am angered because this tragedy never should have happened. The hospital that turned Nick away in his hour of need, should have taken the time to do an assessment on him and realize that this man needed help. If they didn’t have any beds, then they should have helped him find a place that would have taken him. Turning someone away because they do not present immediate symptoms of dangering themselves or others, is not an excuse. As it turns out, Nick WAS a danger to himself and walked out on his family on one of the coldest nights in January. In my opinion, that particular hospital is negligent and is partially responsible for Nick’s death.

In doing some research on the National Alliance of Mental Health (NAMI) in Florida, Florida’s Mental Health System earned a grade of “D” from the state to state report card in 2009. In fact, 8 states received an “F”, and 18 states received a “D.” – The National average grade is a “D.”

I think those statistics are ovewhelmingly horrible. We live in a country where mental health illnesses have a stigma attached to them anyway. People do not want to admit that they might have an illness or mental health disorder because it is a taboo that people do not like discussing.  In some cases, services are closing down due to budget cuts and job cuts.  So add that to the fact that when a person finally does accept  that he needs help,  he is turned away because he is not in any immediate danger, or he might not even have a place to go in the first place because of all of the budget constraints.

I have seen so many cases in the last year, when someone has gone on a rampage or a shooting spree, due to a mental illness which was ignored or overlooked. When are we going to stop ignoring the problem, and start facing it?  How many more deaths must occur before this problem is addressed?  We need to have more mental awareness classes and facilities who are willing to help those in need.  We need to stop cutting programs to save money in taxes.  We need to have legislatures who are willing to fight for the disadvantaged and help build better accomodations for those in need.  We cannot afford to just turn our backs anymore, and be ignorant of a growing problem.

Will you help me in this fight?  Will you go the distance and contact state legislatures to help this problem?  Will you be willing to stand up for something that so many people have already ignored?  Will you let your voice be heard?

Will you let Nick’s voice be heard?

Sources/References:

http://www.nami.org/template.cfm?template=/contentManagement/contentDisplay.cfm&contentID=31181

http://www.facebook.com/#!/WPTV5?ref=mf

http://antibiotics.emedtv.com/plaquenil/plaquenil-side-effects.html

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000753521300&ref=ss

http://twitter.com/FindNickHallida

In this economy, it is hard enough to get the essentials for a household, and still have money left over. My children do not need anything at all. They are well provided for, and although they do not think so, they are spoiled when it comes to the amount of “stuff” they have.

Have you seen their toy room? I should actually take a picture of it. It’s an entire room filled with their things that they like to drag out and leave in the living room! It’s a mess in there!!! They don’t need any more toys just to be leaving them somewhere where we can all step on them, break them accidentally, curse about it (Hubby and I), and then cry about it (the kids).

But I digress.

The point here, is that I am not made out of money and I believe that kids need to learn how to save their money and how to spend it. Case in point yesterday. Dylan, (my 5 year old son) has had $3 burning a hole in his pocket now for days. He was extremely good yesterday so when he asked me if we could go to the store to get a toy with his own money, I totally agreed. I explained to him that he only had $3 (We went to the dollar store), and that he needed to pick wisely. He may want something more expensive, but if he didn’t have the money to buy it himself, then he would have to choose something else.

Dylan was super excited about this adventure and the minute we got to the store, he walked immediately to the section he had been casing out previously. We looked up and down this aisle for a good hour. Why not? I had the time, and he was having fun, so I just let that go. No use rushing the kid when he’s about to buy his first purchase!

He ended up liking two different items. One item was the $3 he had in his pocket, and the other one was $6. Dylan really liked the $6 dollar item, and looked at me with this sad puppy dog face, which in itself is extremely cute. I reminded him gently that he only had $3, and said that if wanted to get something, then he needed to stay within his budget. He was ok with this…but the next 10 minutes were spent trying to figure out which $3 toy he could get because there were two of them and they were both equally awesome.

They items he was looking at, came with a bunch of little toys, which Dylan finds fabulous because to him, it just isn’t ONE toy. One of them was a couple of small fire trucks, with hoses, a garage, a fire hydrant, a small dog, ladders, etc. The other one was a construction site with dump trucks, signs, cones, etc. Dylan sort of whined that he wanted both of them…and all I said was that if he bought one now, and saved up another $3 later, then I would be glad to bring him back to get the other one. He was completely satisfied with this and decided that he was ready to check out.

Now this is the child who is extremely shy in public. When we got to the counter, he tried to sneak the $3 into my hand and asked me (actually he whispered it) if I could give the cashier the money. I told him no…that it was his toy, and his money, and all he had to do was to slide the money onto the counter and the cashier would receive it from him. I thought he was going to die with this, but he did it…sort of grinning the entire time, but never said a word.

The cashier recognized instantly what he was doing, and smiled…and she asked him if he wanted the receipt of his first purchase. I thought it was a nice idea, but Dylan gave her the funniest look! I’m guessing he just thought the receipt was a stupid piece of paper that he didn’t need, so he just shook his head at her, and looked at me as if he thought the woman was nuts. I surpressed my laughter, and thanked the woman for her kindness.

In the car on the way home, Dylan just stared at his new purchase with a big smile on his face, not saying a word. When I asked how it felt to buy something with his own money, he said it felt good. I asked him if he understood why we didn’t get the $6 item, and he said that it was because he didn’t have the money and he would have to save for it the next time.

Voila! That kid does listen!!

Some lessons are really fun to teach.

How I got to Iowa from Texas

Many of my Texan friends have asked me how I got to Iowa and why I moved away so far. It’s an interesting story…one full of risk, adventure, and love.  And in most stories, there have been lessons learned.

I was married in March of 1997 in Waco, Texas and we moved to Arlington, Texas for his job. We were divorced 10 months later, after being together a total of 3 years. As I literally watched this man drive away from me and the house we bought together and begin a new life without me, I stood there wondering what the heck had just happened. I felt like a failure as a woman and as a wife, and I fell apart.

I was teaching special education in the Grand Prairie school district, and I just stopped going to work. I didn’t call in, and I didn’t show up. I couldn’t get out of bed and I wanted to be left alone. I was going through a major depression that I have had for most of my life, but it was just never diagnosed. As a teenager when I would get into so much trouble, my parents just thought I was defiant and a trouble maker. Now we all realize that I had some mental health issues which probably could explain past behaviors and attitudes much more clearly.

I literally secluded myself. I was afraid to leave the house, and I didn’t want to talk to anyone. My parents wanted me to move back home with them, but that was out of the question for me. Moving back home meant admitting something was wrong, and I didn’t want to do that. I stopped talking with my friends, and I stopped hanging out with the neighbors. When we sold our house, I moved the furthest away that I could from where he and I lived together as man and wife. Everything reminded me of him, and it was just too painful.

I ended up resigning from my teaching position, before they fired me, and they gave me some names of counselors I could talk to. So, my life for almost a year, was filled with going to counseling and secluding myself in my apartment. I think that’s when I turned 30, which was the most depressing birthday of my life.

The one thing that kept me from going insane, was the internet. This was a time when the internet was getting really popular, and chatting online seemed to be the perfect thing for me. I could go into a chat room and be anyone I wanted to be…I could say anything and feel my emotions without being judged or looked upon as a failure. I didn’t have to be a divorced woman with depression…this was my escape. It was like reading a good book and being captivated in the storyline, except that I was the author and I had control of the outcomes. I was facinated and it consumed my entire day and night.

I met a man who lived in Iowa Falls, and with whom I began to trust with my personal life. He was sweet and caring and seemed to get me. We talked online and we talked on the phone for hours. He was married and had two kids, and his family knew about me. He knew how miserable I was, and he knew I wanted a change. He offered to come and get me and move me back to Iowa to live with him and his family until I could get back up on my feet. I didn’t have to think twice about this. I was ready for a change, and I knew I needed to get back in control of my life.

My parents had a field day with this. If you know my parents at all, then you’d know that they were very old school and had very traditional values for their children (I say “were” because my father passed away two years ago, and my mother has changed into an amazing woman who still lives in Houston). All my mother kept asking was how did I know this man was not a serial killer and didn’t I know how dangerous it would be to meet someone all alone for the first time? For some reason, I believed in this man, and my only response was how did HE know that I wasn’t the serial killer.  As much as they argued with me, I never caved in because of my extreme stubbornness.

So my mother decided to take what little control she had, and wanted to know my make/model/year of my car, the same for his car, his entire family’s name, their address, and what roads we would be taking. I was to call her everytime we stopped for anything and let her know how I was doing. She also told me that once he showed up at my doorstep, if I was scared or uncomfortable, I was to give him some money and send him on his way. Also…we would have a code to make sure that everything was ok. I had a cat named Casper, and my mother decided that when she would call me, she would ask how Casper was doing. If I was scared or something awful had happened, I would tell her that Casper was sick, and she would drop everything to come and get me. If I was fine, then Casper was fine. I thought it was weird, but she insisted. He showed up…and I about choked. He looked scary…He had a very long beard which covered most of his face, and he had no teeth. I didn’t want to give in, so when he began speaking, I closed my eyes, and I could hear the same tone and same tenderness I had for so long on the phone. I knew everything would be ok. He showed up with a U-haul and a smile, and we were on our way.

16 hours later, we arrived in Iowa Falls, which also sort of scared me. This is a very small town, and it looked dirty to me. I had come from big cities in Texas, and never wanted for anything. Suddenly, I was in a dreamworld and I started to question this decision of mine. The family was nice..the wife a bit more obnoxious than I was used to, and they moved my bed and a few of my clothes into a huge back room which they used as a computer/living room. The rest of my furniture and things were put in storage. They were loud, and I had no privacy. I needed a job, and I needed it fast.

I found a job working at a gas station, which wasn’t the greatest thing in the world, but it got me out of the house. I began to relax a bit however, because these people weren’t the “backwards po-dunk country people” as I had put it, but they were NICE people who would give you the shirt off of their back without question. I got a second job working on the mental health floor at the local hospital and began to earn enough money that I rented the apartment below the house I was living in. It was much better…I had privacy, and I had space, yet I was still near the family who were being so kind to me. I learned to love the entire family…and I trusted them with my life.

I lived this way for a year. I was happy again, but I was lonely. Friends of mine decided to set me up with a guy who was living with them, and who also had a bad past with women. Really, if I’m truthful enough, what they really wanted to do, was for us to be intimate with one another because it had been awhile since either of us had the touch of the opposite sex. LOL. We met, and the attraction was instant. When we got married, I begged the best man NOT to say how we met during his toast. I think my mother would have passed out.

Danny and I moved in together after we found out I was pregnant with our first child…only three months into dating each other. We found our own place, and we have been inseparable ever since. Danny is not the typical guy I would have gone out with in Texas. He has long hair, and didn’t graduate from high school…but there was something about him that really made me want to get to know him better. I won’t get into the entire story of how we connected, but it turns out that he is the most gentle and caring man I have ever met, and he is my best friend. He is the father of our children, and is totally amazing. He’s smart in so many areas, and he supports me in everything.

I am still in constant contact with the friends who brought me into their home. I have been touched by their generosity and I owe them everything. If it weren’t for this family, I truly do not know where I would be today.

Lessons learned…

I have learned to forgive myself of the past. I have learned that money and prestige are not everything, and that true friendships are something to hold onto. I have learned about farming and the country life, and I wouldn’t go back to the big city life if I was paid to do it.

I also learned to let go of my ex-husband, and I have actually met his current wife online, and think she is an amazing woman. I think they are very good together, and I am happy that he has found true happiness with her. He deserves it.

I have taken my own past, and I have used it for the good. I have worked with juvenile delinquents, and I have worked with many people who have mental health issues. I am working on a higher education to be a licensed social worker, and I give my expertise and knowledge to those who are willing to listen. Danny and I have also both taken in people into our home who need a stable family…such as Danny’s nephew and an old friend who needed to start over, just as I did years ago.  We have opened up our home, in the same way that a home was opened up to me nearly 10 years ago. Pay it forward.

So…a huge risk that I took, ended up being the best decision I have ever made in my life and I couldn’t be happier. Remember my cat, Casper? I swear, my mother called nearly everyday for a year asking me how Casper was doing, and I would always respond the same way…that he was happy and content and that everything was fine. Casper died two years ago, at the age of 16. He lived a happy and fulfilled life…as I am doing now.

I love and I am loved. After all, isn’t that what makes the world go round?